As we all know we have about 4 worlds encompassing the big world. The first of my worlds is right inside my head. This is the world that this blog will do the most exploring of. The second of my worlds is inside my home and includes only my partner in crime so to speak! The third of my worlds is all about family and probably the most frustrating world to me as I am hopeless at fitting in as an adult, probably because I didn't want to fit in as a child. Lastly the 4th of my worlds is the outside that includes my friends and workplace.
I find it thoroughly sad that as a child I was given the freedom to be who I wanted to be. I always felt loved as a child by my parents and family so that is not an issue. My biggest issue is as I grew into an adult I was put in a box, not asked just told. So I am usually at a loss when those who have known me longest are surprised by my defiance in their eyes. I am only being who I grew to be.
My biggest concern outside my myself is my Husband who is kind, gentle, firm, loving, expecting and patient with me. I wouldn't say I had a rough teen years physically, but emotionally I feel I did. I spent a lot of time crying in front of my friends, who I cannot thank enough for still being around, I spent even more time crying by myself. I will not lie and tell you it was cathartic, I will tell you however it was a very deciding time in my life. Have you ever felt alone in a crowded room? I have many, many times. My decision was not to stay in this world or to leave it through force of my own. I was way to scared for that. My decision was whether to stay or to run away. I stayed. Should I have run? maybe. It is an answer that is now a what if... because I am far to practical and reliable I refuse to live in a what if world.
About 15 years ago I almost ran. The only reason I am still here is because of one man. He made it so I wanted to stay. to take a chance outside my head and include another person as part of me. I am forever grateful for the lessons I have learned of myself through his eyes. He really gets me. The me me. the one inside that still has all those childhood fears. I feel that I am coming out of a cocoon and there are some people that do not like it. Too bad. Those that I feel have put me down are the ones who will see the change the most. Those who really know me will celebrate my reintroduction to the world.
